Hi everyone! Thanks for coming back to read another blog post. Nothing really eventful has happened within the past week unfortunately so I’ll just keep it real with you guys and talk about a few things that maybe you can relate to as well.
I’ll start off with the cabin, we went back to the cabin last Monday and we only went for a couple of days so it was more of a chance to get away from all of the noise back home. It was for my partner’s dad’s birthday trip that he goes on every year so the trip consisted of us all drinking, smoking, mushroom hunting, and sitting by the fire. I believe that I had grown accustomed to relaxing a little bit too much because I didn’t get any further on my paper mache project so that was really disappointing. I know myself and once I take just a tiny breather on anything I’m trying to create artistically, I will most likely not resume the project. I wanna blame my way of thinking on how I was back in high school, having someone constantly on you and pushing you to get things done is completely different when you enter adulthood because then it is completely all up to you. If you have to get something done, you actually have to do it yourself and be that person on your shoulder to push you.
That’s so freaking hard.
I need a tiny person on my shoulder that actually kicks me in the face if I even get just a little sidetracked. Gentle inspiration or encouragement does not help me in the slightest bit. I mean come on, I’m a masochist, you think I’m gonna get something done by feeding myself gentle words saying how I can “just do it” or “if I put my mind to it, I can do anything”? How stupid. Plus that’s not how I roll, I need to mentally degrade myself quite a bit before I can even think to pick a trade back up again. Personally, I just think it adds a bit of fire, and it really gets me going.
On the cabin trip I got to finally try my first Morel mushroom.
It was super bad.
Like so bad it tasted like a stale cotton condom from the 17th century that was left behind. To be fair, I did let it sit in a wrapped up napkin for an hour before I took the initiative and ate it but it was still really gross. Morel hunting in the woods is very important to my partner’s family so I definitely felt like a phony for not liking that stinking mushroom. Doesn’t really matter since I won’t be eating it again but the rest of the trip was somewhat short but sweet.
Something to take note of from this trip is that my partner and I already discuss marriage on the regular, but it definitely has started to enter our circle of regular topics. I just wanna say that I’ve never had this way of thinking before I met my partner. I have always stated that after the 3 year mark in a relationship, then I can consider marriage and all other things. Not with her though. I want to be her wife right now. We want to get married right now but I want to be wooed. I want a gorgeous, but vintage ring that suits me perfectly. I know that we’re really young, have been dating for a year and a couple months but who even cares. I know it sounds crazy but I have never said that I wasn’t crazy. I make it known that I’m actually insane so no one should be surprised. I want to be her hot wife that fixes her car and looks like I get down to business, strap and all. She just makes me feel “sure” and yeah other people have felt that exact same way and still have separated but I don’t feel any anxiety towards us. If something happens, it happens and we will hopefully get through that.
I truly don’t see myself being with anyone else and I’ve never had that feeling before, it not only consumes me constantly but it makes me feel safe in whatever happens. So there you have it folks, I’m gonna be a wife very very soon and I’ll have the baddest ring, and wife on the block. Life can’t get much better than that.
I have also been contemplating my sexuality a whole bunch recently and it’s been throwing my brain for a total loop. Not that it really matters because labels mean nothing and should never have that much power defining someone in my opinion but still, labels hold a sense of structure and I’m starting to lose that in a way. As we know, I am bisexual so I like both genders probably an equal amount. That’s the way I used to think but now I’m not so sure because I don’t ever see myself being romantically involved with a man ever again. Not only because I have a gorgeous wife but because they don’t appeal to me in that way anymore. I see them as nothing but sex objects, as messed up as it sounds, they’re nothing but that to me. Having a heart to heart with a man sounds so fake, that doesn’t seem possible to me that they can have that ability, “to feel”. I’ve gotten burned in the past so obviously that clouds my judgment, but beyond that, I cannot fathom ever being emotionally attracted to a guy, it seems so weird to me like why would I ever do that.
That’s beyond disgusting.
Being in my first wlw relationship has taught me so many great things on what it means to love someone, be loved, and know yourself in general. I never came out because I don’t believe in the concept of coming out. My sexuality is normal and shouldn’t need to be announced to the whole world if I’m just a regular human being. Who I get down with in the sheets is nobody’s business but mine at the end of the day. I just told my mom one day that I was dating a woman and that was that. I’m lucky to have an accepting parent that just wants to make sure that I’m relatively happy. Plus let’s all be honest with ourselves, everyone is a little gay and has a little sugar in their tank. Even that weird uncle that everyone has that’s labeled “flamboyant”, he wears stupid floral flannels, is always loud and his wife hates him. I definitely have a few in mind but the point is everyone has a little something something and that “something something” is gay! I went to this pub with one of my friends yesterday and there was a Cavs game playing on every TV in the pub. There was a table of obnoxious guys behind us that were yelling and at one point, one of them yelled, “put it in Jared!” I too rooted for Jared to put it in, only because I had no context to what was going on, I just wanted Jared to put it in. But this is what I mean, men unintentionally say the gayest things and don’t even realize it. Sometimes they do, and when they do they think it’s absolutely hilarious. Why do they act like they don’t like a little finger in their butts once in a while? I’m getting sidetracked but I do want to point out that the guy even commented, “double caucasian offense” at one point… I did mentally check out because you just gotta go home after saying some crap like that. I’m not into basketball at all but why would you even say something like that? You should certainly be punched in the throat and he unfortunately didn’t get punched.
I understand comparing men vs women is ultimately irrelevant because in the end everyone has their own unique flaws but I’m still gonna say that dating a woman will always be ten times better. It actually makes you feel like you know what being loved romantically means, through the bad and the good. The way that women love, you can just feel it in everything that they do. Their love just oozes off of them wherever they go. Being with a man in the same way always made me feel so weird, like their way of loving you was always somehow fabricated? It just never seemed real, men are just some really good actors. Their love was also just so boring to me, there was no passion, there was no sense of desperation for the other.
I am excluding the guys that I currently know now, they pass the good humanity test so they’re pretty cool. The rest of the male population that I have encountered in the past, you guys are absolutely tragic and are not human at all. You guys are not actual people and are this weird third thing that needs a lot of psychological evaluation. Everyone would be shocked by the men I used to be around and how I still stuck around for some time. This includes friends and people I’ve “talked” to or have dated. I’m still embarrassed at how I was around those kind of people everyday and just thought it was fine. Someone should have sedated me and there were so many signs that I was just not around great people. I was walking through life in such a dazed state a couple of years ago so I was just numb to everyone around me at that point. I was in this dissociative state of mind every day like I was some sort of zombie just because I was just in a lot of pain mentally. Yes, I am still numb to various things and still have a huge mental journey to overcome but I have come a long way I feel. I let go of any of the toxicity that was holding me back at the time and am now just trying to provide myself with a good and safe environment.
I am just super proud of myself because I used to cry in my bed all of the time listening to music like every teenager. Then that flowed into my adulthood and I still continued to cry myself asleep while listening to music as a 20 year old. Now I’m 23 with two kids at home( Lady and Lambington), I have an amazing wife that loves me so much and her actions back that up, and we’re about to move across the country together with engagement in the back of our minds. As Ms. Gypsy Rose once said, “I’m living my best life!” No one can bring me down right now and you can try but trust I will get a Voodoo doll or something to counteract that because I am fed up with terrible people with bad intentions.
Anyways…
The past week has just been a whole bunch of contemplating on who am I? What’s my purpose? What do I like? What do I need? I’m trying to answer these questions so I can somewhat grow closer to myself in a way, if that makes any sense? I just want to feel more in tune with my emotions and figure out what it is that I actually want as a person just trying to get by. I am a bit of a pessimist so I know so much about what it is that I don’t like or don’t want but am not completely sure on what are all of the things that I actually prefer.
It’s simply like asking yourself the question, “what do you like to do for fun?”
Excuse me but what does that actually even mean.
Like I know myself incredibly well but I also feel like I’m evolving or progressing into a more mature person so I haven’t mentally caught up with myself quite yet. I like the person that I am slowly becoming but I want to be better, I want to especially do better as well. When we move to Portland, I have all of these plans that I genuinely want to execute and I’m hoping that I will actually follow suit. I want to be this super expressive person artistically and be involved with a more creative community that supports each other. I’m not really engaged with my neighborhood that I’m in now but I’m hoping that we move to an influential area that inspires my partner and I to get out of our shell and do new things. I’ve always known myself to be a hopeful person but this time, I have faith that these things I wish for will actually happen.
All that gayness aside, so many good things are about to happen within these next few months!
This post was a bit on the shorter side, I didn’t have much going on last week and all of the thoughts that currently plague my head are just too freaky to put in the blog. We’ll cover everything we need to cover soon but I definitely don’t wanna lay all my cards on the table all at once, that’s lame. Thanks for reading this super uncoordinated blog post for the week, I’ll post some music and a picture from last week you guys should take a look at. See you next Monday!
Some songs:
•The Takeover by Poppy Jean Crawford
•Try Changing by Gia Ford
•I know I know I know by Tegan and Sara
See you laterz!
~Alyssa
Grab The Hooch! 
Leave a comment