Grab The Hooch!

Hey people…

I understand that my sudden absence was confusing for you guys, plus I’ll admit that it was confusing for me as well. I’ll explain shortly on why I even stopped posting for two weeks but genuinely, I missed writing. I missed writing about anything in these blog posts, mainly because it feels like one of the very few things I can actually control in this chaotic mess of a life.

So, where did I go?

Nowhere really, I just ran. I unfortunately just kept running until I realized that it was causing me more harm than good if I kept myself stuck in this rut I created for myself. Recently, one of my cats passed away recently and of course dealing with that was a bit hard on my soul in general. He was the nicest dude you would probably meet in your entire life, it was absolutely terrifying how much of a gentleman that little cat was. I shouldn’t even call him little because he was a chunky boy in all honesty. That cat got me through my teenage years and some of the most toughest times of my life. My sweet guy was named Cashew, he was named that after the color of his fur. He was this amazing orange haired cat that literally watched me grow up and unfortunately he is gone now. I haven’t quite coped with this fact yet and I don’t believe that I ever will, nor do I want to. One of the biggest reasons being that I cannot bring myself to either think or talk about him for more than 5 minutes because my throat starts to tighten and it feels like I’m starting to sink. So yes, I took a mini break from the blog because the news hit me incredibly hard. I didn’t allow myself to think and when I did, he was all I could think about. Our pets are the absolute loves of our lives and we just kinda expect them to outlive us all. That sadly isn’t the case and when their time comes, it just feels like you’ve been robbed. It just felt like an absolute betrayal. Adding on to that, after somewhat dealing with the news about my little boy, it somewhat caused me to feel a big divide from the blog. Writing just felt wrong for some reason. I didn’t know what to say and most times, I didn’t even want to say anything at all. I had no interest in it. That eagerness I had about the blog or writing still hasn’t returned for me but at least I have a little bit of my drive back.

I have just been having a difficult time working with my brain recently, I carry this intense sense of discouragement at all times and I’m not sure on how to separate myself from these anxiety filled thoughts. If procrastination or avoidance was a sport, I’d be an incredible Olympian. It’s just cruel, my cat just died and I’m still required to wake up and go to work everyday putting on a smile when all I want to do is sob my heart out into my cat’s tummy. I don’t ever process anything and I rarely ever give myself time to feel because there is just too much to do. My emotions mean nothing to me if there is stuff to be done. At times, I don’t even feel like a person, it’s like I’m on autopilot but the person that operates my mind stepped away to take an indefinite lunch break. I just go, go, and go. I don’t know, it feels as if I don’t know about anything anymore and feeling sure about even the littlest bits of my life feels just as unsafe as the big ones.

On the bright side, I proposed to my partner a few weeks ago and she happily said yes! We went to this tiny beach that was near us, (if you could even call it that), and that’s where I proposed. It was at this tiny pull off from the water that consisted of a couple of people fishing, not too crowded. We went to the grocery store before to get food and drinks so we could have a little picnic. I didn’t even get nervous until the very last minutes leading up to the proposal, before I could even utter out the words I started laughing uncontrollably. At one point, I even started to gag in between laughs, it was a mortifying feeling because I had no idea what was about to happen to happen next. Was I going to vomit everywhere or successfully say my speech? Luckily, the latter occurred. I made sure to start recording but I definitely have not gained the courage to watch the video back. I get so much embarrassment from even thinking about the fact that I’m saying a speech on video. I’ll be able to watch the video back in about 40 years from now. But I got on one knee, as one does, and I said my little speech that I created for my partner because I knew that I was not gonna be able to come up with something on the spot. I had to practice the speech a few times because I did cry while writing it, lucky for me I managed to not cry during the proposal. After she said yes, we didn’t touch our food for the rest of the night but we did take a lot of pictures of her ring. It looks so gorgeous on her and I am so glad that she is in love with it. When we went ring shopping, I made sure I would get that ring for her if it was the very last thing that I’d do. The jewelry clerk even gave me the cutest box to put the ring in so it was just a super exciting time. The proposal just felt like us and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I now have a fiancé that I love deeply and it’s such a good feeling that I can’t explain. It might be a bit fast but I definitely don’t care. I never said that I wasn’t an insane person and I’m also in a very fruity relationship so that’s kind of our thing to move fast. I just want to be her wife and be with her forever so that sums up everything.

I’m gonna wrap up this week’s blog post because I wanted to feel okay enough to just post something, anything really. This post is very, very short but at least I posted at all. I’m not sure that I feel like myself so I’m trying to get regain a part of myself back as well. I’m gonna push myself to keep posting during such a confusing time because I love this blog so much and I’m proud of even creating something like this. It doesn’t matter how many people read or who reads it, I just appreciate the fact that I actually did it because I said I was going to. I know there was a gap in between weeks but I am back from my mini hiatus so thank you for tuning in this week.

I’m gonna see you guys next week, thank you.

Some songs for the week:

• Boring by Chxrry

•Drew Barrymore by SZA

•Crybaby by SZA