Grab The Hooch!

Welcome back to another blog post, thank you for tuning in for this week. I’m not completely sure that what I’ll report back to readers will somewhat satiate you guys? But I can only worry about staying true to myself, I never want to feel like all of this is some kind of distorted performance or something. Authenticity is one of the biggest reasons I started this blog and recently, I’ve felt like nothing but a facade.

I want to talk about a heavy topic that has plagued my mind recently and that is the feeling of insignificance. Recently, I hung out with a group of friends and there was this heavy feeling that occupied my chest whilst trying to hold a conversation with people I haven’t seen for a while. Usually, it’s not as difficult as it actually was. I pride myself in being able to hold a conversation, even if my head isn’t fully in it. But there was this massive sense of dread when I had to answer the question of, “What has been going on with you lately?” I didn’t even know where to start nor did I know how to find a way to make myself sound more interesting. It’s not that I had something to prove and I especially don’t think that the accomplishments people overcome define who they are but there was a part of me that wanted to appeal to certain people. It was more of proving it to myself that I’ve completed numerous projects and that my artistic journey has progressed in some way, shape, or form. Unfortunately it hasn’t.

I guess this feeling has been creeping up on me for quite some time now, essentially because of this pent up resentment I have towards myself losing that great sense of passion or drive that would without a doubt consume me. Mentally, I would really like to give my interests all of me or nothing at all, I’d like to be able to commit to something and force it to stick around. Whether that is with writing, drawing, linguistics, traveling, making connections, etc. I just want to be able to answer the question, “What’s been going on with you?” with a little bit more depth. In all honesty though, I have no idea what has been going on with me. Yes, there is a lot going on in my life but my life portfolio has not developed to my liking. I understand that we are our worst critics but I can’t help but want more for myself and I don’t want a second to breathe. I want to brainstorm an idea, build that said idea, complete that idea, move onto the next project, and repeat. I still have yet to understand why that consistency is so hard for my mind to follow.

Genuinely speaking, it doesn’t help that we live in a society where we have to work nonstop to actually live. No pause, and especially no breathers. How can anyone have time for anything when prices are tremendously high, housing is almost impossible to obtain if you are not completely comfortable with money, healthcare can be foolishly unfair, and our jobs prefer to replace their workers with robots instead of actual people. I mean how can we have time to enjoy the things that we actually love when the economy is quite literally rotting itself from the inside out and the world may or may not be ending. My apologies for getting carried away but what is even happening. Instead of doing any of the hobbies that I enjoy doing, I spend most of my time thinking about the future, planning the future. Probably because of the underlying fear that races around in my brain everyday indicating that the future or things I want to happen in the future are never going to happen because the future is not guaranteed and everything can just suddenly end when we least expect it. My nihilistic mindset is just the cherry on top. These fears all morph into this monster and that monster enjoys eating my nihilistic cherry because it feeds off of my insecurities about the future because it’s greedy and always hungry for more. It’s this grotesque monster that waits for me to start a craft and then once I fizz away from that craft, it gets into my head to pick and eat away at my brain like I’m some delicious shrimp cocktail. I am unapologetically rambling right now and it’s because I am deeply frustrated with life. Everything is frustrating. Dissatisfaction and boredom could be categorized as the same thing but I will gladly counteract that by saying that they feel mostly different to me, it just depends. I can be unsatisfied with the route that I’m taking to try to either find myself or work on tasks that I’ve always wished to complete. However, I can be entertained by the steps/ plans I make to achieve whatever it is that I want at the moment. If that made sense, congratulations… If not I don’t know what to tell you.

All of this continuous thinking makes me question what do I actually bring to the table? Don’t get me wrong, I know myself incredibly well to the point that it is one of my greatest faults. I tend to be a bit narcissistic and yet at times I can also be diffident and unsure. You could describe me as a walking contradiction a lot of the time. But I am also super confident and know that I have a lot of great qualities. My egocentric side may show with this description but when I say I am a great catch, I am just really amazing. I have a very sexy brain that gets me going at times because of the utter complexity that surrounds it, I am one of the funniest people you’ve ever met and even if you say that’s not true, I’ll never believe you because lying is just a habit/ survival skill so most people lie without thinking. I’m incredibly smart, artistic in ways that are admirable, and exceptionally attractive. The list goes on and on. I have a good amount of cons to me as one does but I don’t believe that people should focus on those bad qualities we all have because that can completely diminish your perception of the good qualities you have. If you think about what’s wrong with the person that you are all of the time, that is all that you will see yourself as. I can touch on this because when my depression was at its peak, I was insufferable, so narcissism definitely trumps hating yourself.

But yes, what do I even bring to the table? I can vocalize it but on paper, unfortunately not much. I don’t think that I need my accomplishments displayed to portray their significance but I just want them at least completed. So I could say, “Here’s what I did and this is how I did it”. I want to be so far deep into art and the art world to the point where you can practically smell the charcoal seeping through my pores. I want to try new things, new methods and get out of my comfort zone so I know what it is that I like and could potentially go somewhere with it. I can’t do that if I never finish what I have started. On top of that, there’s a nonexistent art portfolio that is covered in cobwebs deep in my Google Drive. I’m not sure on why my body finds comfort in being the laziest artist that I know and I wholeheartedly believe that she (my body) finds pleasure in my fictional artistic journey. I’d love to find an artist community and make friends/ connections but a small part of me fears it’ll just rub salt on the growing wound I haven’t figured out how to treat.

So yes, I’m gonna wrap up this post because I don’t want to repeat the same things over and over again so I will just cut this short. Thank you for reading this post and I’ll see you guys next week.

-Alyssa

Songs:

•Hanging Out to Dry by Florence Road

•Legendary Lovers by Katy Perry and Chief Keef

•Mondays by Ethel Cain